Social Awkwardness and Making Friends for Dummies (AKA, Me)

At the hardened age of twenty-two, I've come to a depressing realization.

I have no idea how to make friends.

I'm terrible at it. Which is hilarious, because back when I couldn't form a complete sentence I could still sit in a circle with a bunch of other toddlers and play with my blocks in a companionable fashion. Now, I sit in a group of unfamiliar people and I stare as charmingly as possible at the table while trying not to say anything too unintentionally offensive. If I can stumble my way through small talk without making anyone chuckle nervously before edging away, I consider the evening a success. Making an actual friend during one of these awkward encounters? Only if they have an even greater social handicap than I do, and who really wants to hang out with those guys anyway?




I made plenty of friends in college, honest! But it was easy, then, what with the mutual interest in academics and the other hippie-ish liberal tendencies built into my program. Instant friends! It was great! Even in high school you had the misfortune of being stuck with the same people for six hours a day, five days a week. You have no choice but to socialize! Given enough time around the same people, others were bound to build a tolerance to your crazy after long enough. (If only to survive it, if nothing else.)

But making friends in the 'real world' is a lot harder, for some reason. People want you to be interesting. They want you to be funny. To be able to tell good stories and have wild adventures and take you along for the ride. They want to share interests with you, but not too many (or else you're not interesting), to be a good conversationalist (but not to talk too much, jerk), and to provide them with cupcakes, acceptance, and a puppy upon your first meeting.

And that's only if you're actually meeting them, which only seems to work out if they're friends of friends, or people from work. (Yay for work friends!) Otherwise? Meeting people when you're surrounded constantly by humanity is surprisingly difficult.

For example, at college, reading was a social activity. You read around each other, you were reading similar things, you talked about what you were reading. Now? I have a forty minute commute to and from work each day that I spent reading just to avoid everybody.

There's always bars, I suppose, but if it's hard enough to do that 'talking' thing while stone cold sober, I know I'm certainly not going to improve when alcohol is added. And besides, I like going out with friends for a reason. There are few things more stressful in life than trying to meet people, and I get to see my buddies rarely enough as it is. Why waste that time with further awkwardness?

To all of this, the universe will undoubtedly point out that there are plenty of places to meet people, especially in big cities. Museums! Festivals! Shops and things! Book clubs! People all go to those, and some of them must not suck!

But how the hell do you choose which ones to go to? And when the hell do you find the time when you're working sixty hours a week and want to spent the rest of your time hanging out with people you already know and like?

In short - I need to sit down and have a serious talk with my younger, fearless, friend-making self and ask her how it's done, cause my current abilities are feeble, to say the least.